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Permission to reprint from the StarTribune, March 2, 1997
By Peg Meier
Inheriting Memories
Splitting up possessions when a loved one dies can lead to bitter words: "You're grabbing all the good stuff" and "Mother always like you better." University extension educators are suggesting ways to gracefully divide those family items that are loaded with sentiment.
The stories keep coming. Every family, Beth Russell says, has tales about how the goodies were divided when grandma moved to a nursing home or when dad died.
In one family, grandma's wedding ring was passed on to her son, then to his son. When that young man's fiancée walked into a room full of his relatives, his aunt stared at her ring finger and exclaimed, "How did YOU get mom's ring?"
And:
Ten granddaughters couldn't decide who should get the ancestors' cedar chest. Eventually it was decided that it would be shared; each woman would have it for a year, then pass it along to another. But there was so much fudging on when the year was over and so much carping about who should get it next that their husbands became disgusted. "We're not carting this thing around anymore," the men said firmly. "You girls decide who gets it." Eventually a drawing was held to determine permanent ownership.
And:
An elderly woman had stewed for decades that her sister had "stolen" one of two antique dolls that had belonged to their mother. When the sister died, the woman cleaned out the house and found the missing doll. "I just knew she took it," the woman fumed. The irony was that her children had known for decades that she had helped herself to the other doll, hiding it so her sister wouldn't know.
"No matter who I talk to about this, I get the stories," Russell said. "This is one hot topic, believe me. When I teach the class, I have to pause after 20 minutes and give people time to talk. They're just bursting.
Russell is a University of Minnesota Extension Service educator and the leader of a team that in 1994 developed how-to materials, a video and a workshop on the topic.
They could have called it "Transferring Non-Title Property" and hardly attracted an audience. Instead, they named it the earthier "Who Gets Grandma's Yellow Pie Plate?" Full of practical advice, the program is in great demand.
The name came from Andrea Ruesch, who was then a 4-H summer assistant in the extension service. She told about her hopes to someday get her grandmother's pie plate, which symbolizes her family's love.
Beth Russell, a University of Minnesota extension educator, offers this beginning advice on how to distribute a family's possessions:
Realize that the family's non-titled possessions carry a load of emotion. Talk. Many families wrongly assume that if who-gets-what is not discussed, the topic will go away. Who dares to bring up the sensitive topic? Russell said it's often a woman from the older generation.
If you want your family members and friends to consider what they might like of yours someday, don't raise the issue by phone. Send a letter, fax or e-mail so that all get the same information in writing at the same time. That way misunderstandings and complaints of favoritism are less likely to arise.
Everybody involved in dividing property may say, "I want to be fair." But "fair" varies greatly from person to person. Realize that differing perceptions of what's fair are normal. They just need to be talked through. Deciding before a death may minimize problems.
Examples: Should the first-born get first pick? Should in-laws have a say? Should the family member who cared for the deceased person get more possessions? Should dad's second wife have a say in splitting up his goods? Should all children get the same number of items or the same dollar values? Should everything be sold and profits be divided? If so, what about the people with less money?
Discuss the needs of those inheriting items. Someone who's 20 is likely to need household furnishings more than a 40-year-old. Consider age, birth order, gender and marital status. For example, do only married daughters get the china?
Don't assume. In one family, somebody wanted the new microwave while a sibling wanted the dented old tea kettle that had whistled on the stove for many years.
Make a list. Legally, it can be attached to the will. Be specific and use a name and relationship: "I want my second son, John Jones, to have my gun collection." My silver coffee service goes to my friend, Mary Smith." Describe the item if there's any doubt. Date and sign the paper.
Pass on family stories that go with the items. Consider writing the stories or recording them on video or audio tape. You may think your children know that the special Christmas ornament was your grandmother's, but maybe they don't. Besides, having your words for posterity is a gift in itself.
Take time to make the process worthwhile, Tell the stories. Listen. Remember. Believe it or not, dividing up the assets can be a positive experience.
For More Information
To get information about "Who Gets Grandma's Yellow Pie Plate? Transferring Non-Titled Property," call the University of Minnesota Extension Service at 624-4900 or 1-800-876-8636 between 8am and 4:30pm Monday through Friday. A packet of information (order number EP-6686-MST) costs $8, and a video (VH-6692-MST) is $30, plus shipping and sales tax.
To arrange for someone to speak to a group about the transfer of non-titled property, call Marlene Stum at the extension service at 612-625-4270.
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